Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: boyfriend, europe, ex, ex boyfriend, german, love, relationships, ridiculous, sad
I told the ex I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I needed to stop thinking about him if we weren’t going to be together.
I know no better way to forget than alcohol. Bring on the cherry vodka and coke! Taio Cruz? Check. Smoky, not black eye? CHECK.
I grabbed K. after pre-gaming and we headed for the first bar we could find.
It was hot and packed – perfect for a girl who just wanted to forget about her ex. The second we walked in, the guys started staring. Drink it in, boys. We’ll be here all night. K. and I already knew what we wanted. This bar’s specialty was the Holy Grail of mixed drinks. In one tall glass, there were more types of alcohol than I could even think up in my current near-intoxicated state.
I ordered two tall glasses with the goal of the night in mind: STOP thinking about the ex.
By the time I down the first drink, I’ve already settled on a target. Tall, tanned skin, dark hair, and gorgeous hazel eyes. He passes by and I wink (okay fine, I gawked a bit the first time). To my relief, he passes by a second time. I smile at him – he couldn’t miss that even if he wanted to. And yes, my instincts were right! He feels compelled to walk by yet again – a third time! At this point, I’m halfway through the second drink and I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I mouthed “Hi” to him and sexily (if this word did not exist before, now it does) sucked on my straw. You better believe that boy passed by again, and this time, he stopped to talk.
It turned out to be one of those conversations where you feel like you’re getting smile wrinkles from permanently smiling and laughing so much. Niklas was funny and freaking adorable. Bonus: I love athletic guys, and he played on his college’s soccer team. (Side note: with all of the hype over the World Cup lately, soccer boys must be getting more now than they ever have… well, in the last four years). Amazingly enough, he also had a German accent and I vaguely remember him speaking to me in French. Gah, I am a sucker for accents of any kind. That was the deal breaker.
My roommate was busy laughing with a group of boys (she woke up to like 3,435 text messages from boys she had apparently given her number to). So Niklas and I kissed a little inside the bar, and I suggested we take it outside. We then proceeded to make out on the sidewalk, which prompted an entire campus make out tour. We kissed our way through the graduate center, gym, football stadium, a random dorm, a dining hall… and oh, how I needed this. It was my first make out sesh since I’d seen my ex last! We ended up all over each other on the grassy field in the center of campus for awhile, which is when a cop decided to stop by and ask if I was okay. I laughed, got up, and said “Yeah, thanks!” Jan gave me a piggy back ride and joked that he should have told them I was raping HIM.
It was tipsy chemistry one only dreams about. When I was about to suck his lip, he went for mine first. He gently bit my lip, and I silently thanked the powers that be for hot German foreign exchange students that knew how to kiss well. Finally, at 4am, he finally decides to go home because I tell him I’m not “one of those girls” and I go up to my room and pass out.
I wake up the next morning with grass stains on my shirt, and a major lack of hangover. (I think I must have worked it off with my campus-wide make out sesh). K. is already up and somehow doesn’t remember what Niklas looks like, so I describe him: “6’2”, tanned skin, dark, curly-ish hair, brown-green eyes, perfect lips…” She looked at me strangely. “Whoa. For a second I thought you were describing your ex.”
FML, she was right. He was EXACTLY THE SAME as my ex, who I had been trying to forget about! The height, the eyes, the hair, the chemistry… everything but the damn accent! Niklas texted me later that day but I ignored it. I’m not about to date my ex again, German accent or not.
Ever think you’re almost over your ex? You’re ready to go out, have fun, and be single?
And then all of the sudden, you get a text from him and everything’s done. You’re indignant that he would dare contact you, but secretly gloating because he did. You miss him to no end. You wish the German guy from the bar would just leave you alone so you could concentrate on forming your next text without sounding too wasted.
The German boy is cute, but not nearly as cute as your ex. The German boy is head over heels for you (or so he says in the first week) and you and your ex are trying to forget about each other.
Hearing from your ex out of the blue? A sure sign that you’re over him is when it doesn’t even faze you.
Yah. I’m gonna have to work on that one.
Filed under: love
I jump every time my phone rings, but it’s never you. Sometimes I hope you won’t call, because then I could probably get over you faster. Know what else will help me get over you faster? Thinking about all of the amazing things I can do without you. Let the list making commence!
I’m going to go on and achieve things you didn’t think I could do. Things you don’t think I’m smart enough to do. And I’m going to use everything I have, every last muscle, every last fiber in my body, to make sure I get there. Hell, I’m going to make sure I make more money than you do. I’m going to live a life worth envying, with best friends you wish you had, and a personality that will blow yours out of the water any day.
I’m going to be in better shape than you because I’m going to work out more than you. But I’ll make sure I can drink you AND your friends under the table by the time this is over.
I’m getting my life together oh so surely. I’m picking up momentum. I am figuring out what I love doing, what I need to be doing, what will help me succeed, and what I need to do to get there. You can stay there on Wall Street, schmoozing people you don’t like and spending money like it’s water on things that will never make you as happy as I could.
I’m going to be the most independent, successful, gorgeous woman I can be, and for that, I sure as hell don’t need you by my side.
Filed under: love | Tags: alone, angry, backup, boyfriend, breakup, ex, exboyfriend, girl, mad, miserable, sad, waiting
You told me we shouldn’t talk anymore. Numerous times, in fact. And then what happens? I tell you we need to stop talking and you get mad at me. Okay, so maybe it was more along the lines of “I’m done wasting my time with you”, but still.
Now I’m just waiting for you to text me back. I’m wondering if you’re mad. Are you angry at me for wanting to live a normal life without the thought of you in the back of my mind?
But secretly, you want me to be like that all the time. And I refuse to be a back up. I refuse to wait around for you to see how perfect we are for each other. I CAN’T WAIT ANYMORE! So I go ahead and say it, and you act like you’ve been stringing me along this entire time. Really, you’re just stringing yourself along. I’m waiting for you to meet another girl in whatever large city you’re in now. I’m waiting for you to move on without me. I feel like it’s inevitable.
I’m bracing myself for the hurt. But you haven’t hurt me a second time yet because I keep retracted my feelings, retracting my love, and taking back everything I said that would make you think that I still love you.
Because I do.
Two days ago, I told you I was done with you. That I didn’t want to waste my time with you anymore. And all I wanted for you to do was counteract. But there was no response. There was no “You’re right, I want to change that.” Or even a “I do feel that way about you.” Nothing but anger… via text for chrissake.
I want to call you but I don’t have the nerve. I keep looking at my phone because it’s the only action I can take now. I am losing my appetite because I’m so anxious to hear from you. I can’t socialize, talk for a long time, breathe without checking my phone. Please rescue me from the worst kind of pain. The kind that doesn’t go away because you don’t know when it can go away. The kind that only comes from waiting.
Filed under: love | Tags: ldr, long distance relationship, love, sadness, sex, true love, unhappiness
Why do we feel so guilty talking to each other when we aren’t going out?
Maybe because we’re skipping the part where you actually have to work at love. Where are the memories? What is the fun in being carefree and unattached all of the time if you’re not with the person you love? Yes, it might be sad sometimes because we would be far away, but doesn’t that make it that much better when we’re together?
He makes me happy and content. He makes me want to be better and be successful… to accomplish more than I thought I could. He makes me want to help people and not need anything in return. He has such a good heart and I admire that so much. I mean, it might help that he’s the perfect height for me and happens to have the best looking body I’ve ever seen, but in a few years, I can’t see anything mattering except us making each other laugh. He helped me find my sense of adventure and discovery.
He says I’m the one person he can be himself around. The ONE person who knows him this well. The only person he’s ever felt this way for. The only person who can make him cry. The only person he’s said I love you to and actually meant it. And the only person who can keep him in such a good mood. After breaking my heart, he broke hers for me. He traveled hours to see ME. He came back to ME. I might not think we need to talk everyday and there’s not a ton to talk about when all you have are separate days with no binding threads, but I will definitely say that it is A HELL OF A LOT BETTER being with the one you love than pretending to not care about him.
My heart hurts. It’s not fair. Life will be hard without him, let alone being in a relationship with him. I think we need to stop talking, maybe just for senior year. Then we can go out and party and drink and be ridiculous college students and take the GRE and get our lives on track and make new connections without distraction.
You want the truth? I’m just wasting my time kissing other people and wishing they were him.
[ Cont'd from: Failure to Launch ]
We tiptoed past our friends. (3:00 am is never a good time to rouse your mates from slumber, vacation or not). I tried to act nonchalant, and began brushing my teeth while keeping my eye on K the entire time. He looked at me in the mirror deviously.
I felt him standing behind me. I was still brushing my teeth, so I playfully pushed my butt out in his direction. He smiled quickly, grabbed my hips, and brought them to his. And then his arms were around me, so warm and inviting. And his hands were everywhere, fingers grazing my butt, stomach, breasts, and finally my neck. He kissed me softly. Oh God, I could get used to this. I arched my back. He loves doing shit like this when I can’t fully reciprocate. I had no choice anyway – I was delightfully trapped between him and the bathroom sink.
After a quick breath, I turned around to face him. I had to look up to see his hazel eyes, intent on mine.
“What are you doing?” I asked coyly.
He responded by lifting me onto the bathroom counter.
[Cont'd from: Drink up, you're still not over him]
I say this after thinking it through thoroughly – or so I thought.
“We’ve tried that before, remember?” He says, amused.
I think we both know that stopping all communication would be impossible. K. and I can’t stay away from each other, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves. I’ve resolved countless times not to contact him at all, but he just ends up contacting me. For me to resist calling him back would be like telling me not to breathe. Stupid and involuntary, and working against fate. But at the same time, I’m getting sick of going back and forth, wondering if he cares, trying to meet new guys and build new relationships, and having it all just come back to him, again and again.
“Yeah, you’re right. It didn’t work, did it?” I give him a wry smile.
The stars look beautiful, even in a huge city like this. Purple and red swirls of galaxies caress the edges of the rooftops in the dark, blanketed sky. In this moment, I feel that there is no other place I could belong so well… except maybe in his arms, instead of this safe distance apart.
[ Next: Back in the Hotel... ]